My biggest fear

I’m not even sure if I can properly explain this so bare with me.

My worst fear is dying, more so how it will happen and when I guess.

I mean, I’m not ready to die, are any of us?!

At the same time though I have this massive interest in death for others though not for myself, I’m interested in the many ways it happens and the gory details if any but when it comes to myself that shit is scary.

It’s constant though, my anxiety is fed off of this fear.

It’s driving along and hoping that another car doesn’t swerve into me or walking down the street and hoping I’m not that random person who gets hit in some freak accident. It’s the fear of my kids growing up without a mum, the things I’ll miss and knowing how much my family would struggle.

It’s the fear of dying painfully or even knowing that something is wrong and dying slowly.

I’m a strong believer in “when it’s your time, it’s your time” or that “everything happens for a reason” but that doesn’t stop the worry.

I mean at the end of the day if I’m gone I’m not gonna know am I, but I know that everyone else around me will and that hurts.

It’s being too afraid to do certain things like sky diving, massive Ferris wheels, roller coasters, airplanes, etc because it doesn’t ‘feel’ safe enough.

It’s fucking exhausting though!

Don’t be like me lol that shit takes a toll on every thing you do.

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