Break dance? No sorry, only break downs around here.

Is anyone else about due for a break down?

Not just “oh I’ve had enough I’m gonna lose it”, like a good ole proper mental break down.

I often find every 5-6months or so that I start getting to a point where I feel like I’m just holding on tight and as the days go on I can feel myself slowly slipping closer and closer to the edge.

That’s how I am currently feeling, it’s like almost wishing that a panic attack would just happen so you can have your Valium and get over it, cause once it’s over and done with you’ll be good for another few months. But being scared for it all to go down at the same time because it’s going to be intense 😰

Or letting little bits out at a time hoping it will ease the monstrosity building inside.

Trying to nap off the shit feeling or cutting back on sugars and caffeine even more than normal hoping it will help even just a little bit.

{In between writing this I went and had a little tear to my husband and a big hug, this may have helped to simmer it down for a day, we’ll see.}

It’s just all the shit trying to boil over the surface, like that little bit that bubbles out from underneath the lid of the pot just before shit is about to go down and you end up with water everywhere.

It’s the 50/50 feeling

50% this is somewhat normal and you’ll be ok at the end of it

Or

50% this is it, your actually finally losing your mind and will end up at the nut house!

It’s being more tired than normal, god damnit! It’s being more self aware than normal, fuck sake! noticing every little pain or twinge and thinking fuck, why and what’s wrong now?!

It’s just being completely and utterly over everything. Even less patient than normal, just so mentally drained, the want to lay in bed all day and just forget about the world but the need to get up and push through because you have little people who rely on you, jobs todo and a house to maintain 😴

It’s a point where your head is constant, it’s that constant that you can’t stop to pinpoint any one single thought long enough to deal with it.

That super thin edge of crying, laughing or being silent over fuck knows what.

The little voice in the back that feeds the fear, telling you something is wrong but knowing deep down you will get through it just like you have many times before and trying to concentrate more on that.

Fucking hell, for anyone dealing with this right now or ever. Man, I feel you! I feel it on a super high level and I’m just trying to stay on top like everyone else out there.

I’ll get through it, anyone else dealing with it can get through it too.

What makes us stronger than your average is the fact that this sorta shit, as bad as it can be is just another fucking day with mental illness.

Sending love, strength and all that fucking Jazz, I’m out ✌🏼

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